Bovine Socialism? Political theory explained

Confused by all the ideology labels being thrown around today? Socialist. Facist. Communist. Capitalist. What does it all mean?

Well, there are actually well-developed political science definitions for all of these terms, and more. But to simplify, we'll just look at you, your fellow citizens, two cows and the government:

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give the other to your neighbour.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most ability and who has the greatest need. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, no one feeds the cows, and they both drop dead of starvation.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shares the milk with you and your neighbour.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

NAZI-ISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and questions you before shooting your neighbor.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You're outvoted by your neighbors, who decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed and milk them both. Your neighbors choose someone an give him authority to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. You fill in 17 forms in triplicate and you don't have time to milk them.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

US DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE: You have two cows. You milk them and pour all the milk down the drain to keep the price up.

CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

APARTHEID: You have two cows. You give the black cow's milk to the white cow to drink and don't milk the white cow.

WELFARE STATE: You have two cows. You milk them and give them the milk to drink.

UNITED NATIONS: You have two cows. Russia vetoes a resolution allowing you to milk them. Britain and France veto a resolution authorizing cows to milk farmers. USA abstains.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. The cows kill you and milk each other.

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows, and worship them.

PAKISTANI ECONOMICS: You don't have any cows. You claim that the two Indian cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS: You have two cows. They are both mad cows with bad teeth.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.